Learning to like criticism

This article is extracted from the Toastmaster magazine
http://www.toastmasters.org/ToastmastersMagazine/ToastmasterArchive/2007/February/LearningtoAlmostLikeCriticism.aspx

Practically everybody will admit to being interested in improving themselves or their business or personal relationships. There are even some, like Toastmasters members, who have actually taken steps to do so. But unfortunately, many people miss out on valuable opportunities for improvement and growth because of their inability to take advice and criticism from others. Do you make use of suggestions offered by your peers? Do you seek out the advice and feedback of others to your advantage? It makes sense, but it’s not as easy as it sounds.

I am the owner of a small business. Several years ago the managers of my company met to formally establish non-financial, people-oriented goals. Examples of those goals included providing a safe work environment, offering adequate training and improving teamwork between departments. We then sent a description of the goals and a survey to all employees so they could rate our level of achievement of those goals. Employees could respond anonymously. This was to be done annually.

I almost didn’t make it past the first survey. Most employees responded, but not in that supportive, kind Toastmasters way. They just told me exactly how they felt by using the survey rating system and adding their own comments. Although I got what I asked for, I must admit I was very upset because the ratings were, in some cases, insultingly low and several comments were nasty, blaming me directly for certain problems.

It didn’t seem like the employees were trying to help me. Indeed it seemed they were trying to hurt me, because that’s how I felt. I experienced the defensive, prideful reaction many people feel when being criticized. Criticism is universally disliked. Franklin P. Jones, an author most known for humorous quotations, wrote “Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance or a stranger.” It is just plain hard to take advice or criticism. Even positive, well-worded evaluations give at least a hint that we are inadequate in some way. Most of us know that we have faults or could improve, but we just don’t want to hear about it.

My immediate reaction to the survey results was defensive, but after time and thoughtful consideration I realized that there was a consensus in the results. That is, many employees expressed similar comments and ratings. I began to recognize the value of their perspectives. So, with pain and difficulty, I decided to “own” the problems and the criticisms. I sent a memo to all employees thanking them for their participation, summarizing the survey results and comments (without displaying any of the nasty ones) and showing my recognition that I, as president of the company, was a major part of the problem. Then we took action in response to the feedback and, over time, changes and improvements came about. The surveys continue today after five years and the company has greatly benefited.



"Sometimes there are difficulties in getting valuable comments from others.
But the biggest challenge is in making use of the feedback."



I put in place a method for the company by which I could measure certain non-financial goals, identify problems and then make improvements accordingly. I also began to rely on a process for using advice and criticism to my advantage:

• Recognize that you can get unique and valuable perspectives from others. Be aware of opportunities to get feedback.

• Find people who are capable of providing you with perspectives of interest and value to you.

• Request feedback in a way that will increase the chances that your evaluators will be open and honest. This can be a challenge. Most people understand human pride and many will simply be polite without offering any critical feedback. Sometimes anonymity is required. With anonymity, however, some insensitive people may criticize with absolutely no regard for your feelings: Be prepared for that, keeping in mind that some people are not well-trained in the manner of offering advice, but still may have some valuable ideas.

• Read or listen to the feedback that is offered.

• Experience your feelings. Expect the possibility of defensive reaction. You will know that you are having a prideful reaction if you find yourself judging your critics. It’s human nature. Go with it. But try to maintain control of your outward expressions for the sake of others.

• Be gracious, regardless of your feelings. Thank the evaluators for their comments so that they feel welcome to offer you more open and honest feedback in the future.

• Let time go by, allowing your negative feelings to diminish.

• Honestly evaluate the feedback. This is the most difficult step. Your pride may block your ability to do this effectively, but try hard to find the value in the comments you received. If you just can’t find any value in the comments, then try to evaluate your feelings. If you feel at least a little bothered by the comment, then there is a good chance that your pride is obstructing your ability to make use of some valuable feedback. If you can follow this process by going to the next step instead of reacting with your feelings, then you may be able to benefit from the advice.

• Seek consensus. If you identify similar comments from multiple critics then the signal is getting louder and the value of the feedback is increasing. But avoid the mistake of seeking consensus about your feelings, that is, seeking sympathy. You can make yourself feel better by doing that, but you will miss a growth opportunity.

• Own it. Acknowledge it. Take responsibility. Take control. If you acknowledge the criticism as useful and valid, but then follow up with excuses and blaming, then you have not taken ownership, responsibility or control. Without ownership you won’t be ready for the next step.

• Take action. Make directed improvements in accordance with the feedback that you have received. You may be forced to take small steps at first, but continue with them until they add up to greater advances.

• Repeat the process.

I have used this process in an informal way in business, at home and with Toastmasters. It can be used for continual evaluation, growth and improvement. Much of a person’s life involves interactions and relationships with other people. Public speaking, for example, involves a relationship between a speaker and an audience. To evaluate your own performance as part of a relationship, it makes sense to seek out the perspectives of others who are involved in or knowledgeable about the relationship. Sometimes there are difficulties in getting valuable comments from others, but the biggest challenge is in making use of the feedback.

To take advantage of critical feedback you must work past your discomfort and defensive feelings. Apply the “no pain, no gain” principle, and you’ll soon enjoy all the benefits of an improved life.


Brian Thoma, CTM, CL, is president of His Toastmaster’s Voice 6280-38 in Moorestown, New Jersey, and owner of Thoma, Inc., a company representing manufacturers of laboratory furniture and school casework.

Toastmasters Meeting 25 November 2010

Toastmasters Meeting 25 November 2010

Come visit our Toastmasters club and see "What it can do for you"

What : Metro Toastmasters International Club
Where : Vistana Hotel Kuala Lumpur

No. 9, Jalan Lumut, Off Jalan Ipoh, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

(Located near Titiwangsa Star LRT and KL Monorail station)
When : Thursday 25 November 2010
Time : 7.00 pm - 9.15 pm (Refreshments are served at 6.30 pm)

We meet every 2nd and 4th Thursday of the month

Contact:
Helen (016-202 7036)
Janis (014-626 5154)
Amanda (012-940 6788)

Finding His Voice

This article is extracted from the Toastmaster magazine at http://www.toastmasters.org/ToastmastersMagazine/ToastmasterArchive/2007/February/Departments/Profile.aspx

How a tongue-tied writer turned to
Toastmasters for help in handling talk shows.

By Julie Bawden Davis


If not for Toastmasters, Neil Chethik is sure he’d spend most days in a small, dimly lit room hunched over a computer. Instead the successful book author regularly speaks to large audiences throughout the United States, often appearing on TV and radio.

“Toastmasters has opened more doors in my career than I can count,” says Chethik, whose most recent book, VoiceMale: What Men Really Think About Their Marriages, was released by Simon & Schuster last year. “I belong to many organizations, but I can say for sure that this group has had the biggest impact on my career.”

Every time Chethik considers how far he’s come as a speaker, he hardly recognizes his former self. “I was a voice-a-phobe,” he says. “I couldn’t stand in front of an audience without shaking, quaking and worrying about my mind going blank.”

Chethik attributes his anxiety to an unfortunate experience as a child. “I appeared in a class play when I was in fifth or sixth grade, and I blanked out on my lines, which was very traumatic at the time,” he says. “After that, in middle school and high school, I became quiet and withdrawn.”

When it came time to choose a career, Chethik decided on writing because it meant spending his time alone behind a computer screen. He eventually found that he couldn’t run from speaking forever. In the 1990s, after 12 years in the newspaper business, he left to pursue a career as a book author and soon found it necessary to break his silence.

“I decided to stop reporting in order to focus on some particular topics and write in depth about them,” says Chethik, who started writing about men’s psychology and their personal lives, including a syndicated column on the subject. When he began working on his first book, FatherLoss: How Men Deal With the Deaths of Their Dads (Hyperion, 2001), he decided to overcome his fear of public speaking.

“Unless I learned to speak in public, I would have never had a successful career as an author,” he says. “You can write a great book, but if you can’t market it, speak about it, and publicize it, it will fail.”

Chethik went to his first Toastmasters meeting in 1998 at the Downtown Lunch Bunch club in Lexington, Kentucky, where he has earned a CTM and is still a member. Although he remembers feeling overwhelming anxiety on his first visits, he kept attending and gradually became more comfortable. Two years after joining, he had the eye-opening experience of serving as club president.

“I was required to be spontaneous every week, welcoming members and new visitors and making announcements. As a result, I became very comfortable in front of groups and found that I actually enjoyed speaking,” he says.

During those first few years, Chethik practiced Table Topics frequently. “I would flip through the telephone book and talk about whatever was at the top of the page for a minute at a time,” he says. “I found practicing Table Topics invaluable because it taught me to focus on one subject and perhaps even more importantly, to trust myself.”

Today when he speaks, Chethik has found that audiences enjoy his question-and-answer period immensely. “In my presentations, I strive to help people understand their lives and relationships, and they always tell me that my interplay is natural and spontaneous,” he says. “Thanks to my Table Topics training, I’m not afraid to take a shot at an answer.”

Fellow club member Jerry Young agrees that Chethik’s skill at Table Topics has served him well as a speaker. “Neil has made phenomenal progress, becoming an accomplished, smooth speaker over the years,” says Young, who has been a Toastmaster for 40 years and is a past governor for District 40.


"Unless I learned to speak in public, I would have never
had a successful career as an author."


“Although his content has always been good, in the beginning he stuttered and got very nervous. He’s improved greatly at fielding questions, and I attribute a great deal of that to Toastmasters. Neil can handle whatever is thrown at him quickly and efficiently, remaining unflustered and talking eloquently off the cuff. These are valuable skills when you appear on radio and TV.”

In 2001 after he’d been a Toastmaster for four years, Chethik’s first book came out and it was time to start talking.

“The first time I spoke it was about men and grief at a church in San Diego,” says Chethik, who was nervous initially, but soon felt at ease. “All of my Toastmasters training and practice came into play, and I felt very confident.”

Since that first speech, Chethik has spoken throughout the United States at churches and organizations such as social worker associations and grief support groups, elaborating on subjects such as grief, fathers raising sons and how men feel about their marriages. He has also appeared on many radio shows, including NPR (National Public Radio) and television programs such as ABC’s Good Morning America, where his four-minute interview with Charles Gibson resulted in overnight hardcover sales of about 5,000 copies of his second book, Voice Male.

Before his appearance on Good Morning America, Chethik was understandably nervous, but says he felt calm the morning of the show. About 20 minutes before he appeared on air, however, he had an urge to drink water. “I was relaxed on the outside, but internally sweating, and I probably downed about 50 ounces before going on the air,” he remembers. “Right before the show started, I asked Charles Gibson what his first question would be and knowing that helped me feel prepared and focused. The show went really well.”

Since his Good Morning America appearance last year, Chethik has spoken to a variety of large audiences, some with 1,000 listeners. Every month he appears on a television segment for a local CBS station where he talks about men and their relationships. He also does radio interviews several times a week and has conducted marriage workshops with his wife of 13 years, Kelly Flood, who is a minister.

“My wife spent many years in front of audiences and is very comfortable speaking, so working with her has also taught me a lot,” says Chethik, whose 13-year-old son, Evan, is performing as a child actor in local productions.

Though over the years Chethik has occasionally considered ending his Toastmasters membership, he always decides against doing so and continues to attend meetings regularly.

“Speaking is a lot like playing an instrument,” he says. “It’s important to continually practice so you don’t get rusty, and Toastmasters is the best place to do that.” In the last few years Chethik has also enjoyed mentoring a variety of new members.

“It’s hard to believe that I am someone that people want to emulate, considering how nervous I was for so long, but mentoring is an incredibly gratifying experience,” he says. “I can relate to the fear and anxiety people have coming in, and I enjoy seeing them progress.”

Those Chethik has mentored have found his advice especially helpful. “Neil is not only a great speaker, he gives excellent feedback,” says Rob Ferguson, who was a member of the Lunch Bunch before he moved out of the area to North Carolina. “In 1999 I was a contest winner in the national championships, and it was Neil’s assistance that helped me achieve that goal.”

Attending Toastmasters still opens up Chethik’s horizons. “I get a lot of new ideas for my writing from the questions people ask me when I’m speaking,” says Chethik.

“It’s incredible to me that I get paid to speak, when I was afraid to open my mouth for so long,” he says. “I credit Toastmasters for helping me make my career shift and realize my potential.”

For more information, visit www.neilchethik.com.

Toastmasters Meeting 11 November 2010

Toastmasters Meeting 11 November 2010

Come visit our Toastmasters club and see "What it can do for you"

What : Metro Toastmasters International Club
Where : Vistana Hotel Kuala Lumpur

No. 9, Jalan Lumut, Off Jalan Ipoh, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

(Located near Titiwangsa Star LRT and KL Monorail station)
When : Thursday 11 November 2010

Time : 7.00 pm - 9.15 pm (Refreshments are served at 6.30 pm)

We meet every 2nd and 4th Thursday of the month

Contact:
Helen (016-202 7036)
Janis (014-626 5154)
Amanda (012-940 6788)

Email : Metro.Toastmasters@gmail.com
Blog : http://metrotoastmastersclub.blogspot.com/

I'll Never Forget What's-His-Name

This article was extracted from the Toastmaster magazine.
http://www.toastmasters.org/ToastmastersMagazine/ToastmasterArchive/2007/January/MainStoryJanuary2007.aspx

My name is Craig. But I’ll answer to Greg. Most Gregs I know answer to Craig. Of course we are not alone: there’s Eva and Ava, Bill and Bob, Jeff and John, Kristin and Kirsten, Ari and Avi, and many more. I can’t complain. I often confuse and occasionally mangle others’ names. Names are not my strong suit.

My purpose is not to engage in anthroponymy, the study of personal names. It’s simply to remind you that learning, remembering and properly pronouncing other peoples’ names is more than just good manners; it’s good business and good citizenship. What’s in a name? Everything!

Every Toastmaster, indeed every person you meet in life, wants to be seen as an individual, feel special and respected. When you refer to people by their preferred name, you are honoring them and showing respect. You’re also seeing them as individuals. It’s a good beginning to a relationship.

Over the years I’ve struggled to learn and remember names. The older I get the harder it becomes, in part because I continue to meet new people, sometimes an audience at a time!

Given our global marketplace we are likely to meet customers from China, Israel, Nigeria and Germany, Argentina and Arkansas. Names and pronunciations vary by country and region. Eugenia – pronounced “U-Gene-E-Ah” in the United States – sounds entirely different in the Southern hemisphere: “O-heee-Nee-Yah.” Win points by pronouncing it her way! My secret: I spell it out phonetically whether on paper or in my mind. Seeing it this way helps me pronounce it properly.

In Toastmasters it took me a while to pronounce correctly the names of Osafran Okundaye and storyteller Orunamamu (pronounced O-Roon-a-Mah-moo). I’ve heard it mangled seven different ways. Ditto the name of Speechcraft participant John Eweglaben. It would have been so easy to pull an Ed McMahon, and simply introduce him by saying “Here’s Johnny!” Instead I had John spell his name out for me phonetically and then practiced saying it repeatedly. Incidentally, it is pronounced “A-wig-LAY-Bin.”


I accidentally insulted my Pro-Toasties club colleague from Louisiana, Mademoiselle Carolyn Millet (pronounced Meee-Aye), by presuming her last name was pronounced like the grain. That’s not Southern hospitality!

Employ the following tips to track names and the vital details that accompany them:

• When you hear someone’s name, repeat it out loud as soon as possible in conversation.
• Append it to the beginning or ending of your greeting to that person: “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Amber”, or “Tyrone, how nice to meet you.”
• Try to associate others’ names with what they tell you about themselves. Repeat it out loud if need be: “Ken the southeast quality-control manager”; “Ariana, the internal service starlet.” Hearing yourself say their names makes it more real and memorable.
• European names employing W may sound like V’s: Tony Bacezwski of my hometown Lakeview Toastmasters pronounces his name Tony Ba-SHEV-ski.
• Chinese names may take the form of last name (surname), first name (given name). For example: Longtime Oakland City Center Toastmaster Joe Parkman tells new friends: “I’m no ordinary Joe, I’m Parkman Joe!” Indeed, he is.
• Employ mnemonic devices or alliteration to help you remember customers’ names: Ling from Laos, Helen who’s gellin’, Sandy…like my sister-in-law (of the same name).
• Make written notes to yourself, at the time of the meeting or later. Don’t tax your memory. Write on the back of their business card or in your PDA. (Beware of writing on the front of someone’s business card. In some cultures it’s perceived as defacing the person!)
• Ask for help with complicated names or those in a foreign tongue. Take pride in learning the trills and other accents of foreign languages. Customers will appreciate your efforts and warm to your efforts at correctly pronouncing their name.
• Learn the story behind the person’s name. Orunamamu’s name, in the Nigerian language of Yoruban, means “Oh you royal one, miss morning star.” Sometimes she’ll simply tell people “The ‘O’ is for respect!” That’s memorable!
• If you ask someone how to pronounce their name, never respond “Oh, I could never pronounce that!” Not only is it disrespectful, it’s lazy on your part, to not even attempt the correct pronunciation. Try your best to pronounce it correctly in their presence; ask for help if you aren’t letter perfect the first time. Remember, it’s not about you and your comfort level, it’s about them and making the effort to respect their identity.
• Most importantly, remember that other people share your pain. If you know your name will be hard to remember or pronounce for others, help them out: realtor Lisa Wierenga of Michigan encourages people to think of the phrase “Wearing A”; A realtor whose last name is Wojokowski helps people by saying, “It’s like ‘where’s your house keys!’”; and Oakland poet Lavignia asks people to call her “Vinny the Poet” for short.

According to the mingling maven herself, author Susan RoAne, “if you have trouble remembering names, understand that others have forgotten yours. Never, ever ask, “Do you remember me?”

The author of the bestselling books How to Work A Room and How To Create Your Own Luck: The “You Never Know” Approach, RoAne recommends that we simply “put out our hand, smile and re-introduce ourself. Ninety percent of the people will respond in kind and no one is playing the memory game. For the 10 percent who don’t ask, tell the truth: “It’s been one of those days...I can’t even remember my name.”

And when the shoe is on the other foot, and your name is forgotten or mispronounced, don’t get angry or feel victimized. Our past international president, Dilip Abayasekara, Ph.D., DTM, has experienced the ups and downs of having a distinctive name. Dilip, a Sri Lankan whose last name means “leader without fear,” knows his name is difficult for a first-timer to pronounce. He offers a pronunciation guide, relating his name’s pronunciation to words people already know: Dilip sounds like Philip; the first three syllables of Abayasekara mimic the first three letters in Spanish or French: Ah – Bay – Say, to which one can add Kuh – Ruh. It works!

Of course, if the person in question offers you a nickname, you are welcome to use it. Many people have trouble pronouncing (and spelling) the name of the longtime Duke University men’s basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski (give yourself two points if you pronounced it “Shuh-SHEV-ski"). Many players and fans alike eschew the Polish pronunciation and simply call him by the alliterative “Coach K.”


"And when the shoe is on the other foot, and your name is
forgotten or mispronounced, don't get angry or feel victimized."


One challenge occurs in environments when more than one person has the same name. In such cases nicknames may be the answer. One person may prefer Michael, another Mike and a third might even prefer Mikey. What is needed is mutual assent. Assigning a nickname without a person’s permission can be insulting. Get a person’s buy-in. Remember, their identity is at play. Accede to their wishes whenever possible; what’s humorous to you may be insulting to the person in question.

Recently Distinguished Toastmaster Keith Ostergard, Toastmasters Vice-Chair of Training in the People’s Republic of China, told me that companies often have so many employees with the same name it becomes problematic:

“In China it is very common to meet or work with people who have the same name – both surname and given name. Wang is one of the most common Chinese names. Once we had six people in a department of 100 with the name Wang Chen. In order to keep them straight, they all agreed to let me number them: Wang Chen 1, Wang Chen 2, etc..” That worked well until one left the company. They all wanted to change their numbers!”

What’s in a name? Gold. Learning, using and properly pronouncing strangers’ names is a great first step to building solid relationships based on trust, respect and admiration. Win the name game!


Craig Harrison, DTM, of Laugh Lovers Toastmasters 596430 in Oakland, California, is a professional speaker and founder of Expressions Of Excellence!™ Visit him at www.ExpressionsOfExcellence.com.